Consultation Tomorrow…

So, for me in my gender non-conforming self exploration path I have made the decision to discuss with my healthcare provider the possibility of getting top surgery. This would result in getting a chest reduction and I would be able to “pass” more easily as male.
Ugh, I hate the idea of “passing”.
For me, the main focus isn’t passing as more male or more female. I want to look into it because of the psychological concept of body dysphoria. According to Miriam Webster, dysphoria is “a state of feeling unwell or unhappy.” This definition can be applied in multiple facets. For me, I experience body dysphoria (manifesting in a stressed mental state) and extreme physical discomfort (sometimes so painful I can’t do daily functions with out being constantly reminded about my physical state).  And being aware of the fact I have it makes it like, ten time worse.
Telling my doctor about my interest in the procedure at my last doctor’s appointment was a crucial move in me being comfortable with myself. I was nervous for a split second as it passed through my mind. I didn’t think about mentioning it before I did my routine yearly check up. But then next thing I know some words are falling out of my mouth and BAM. I have now told my doctor I’m gender non-conforming and that I want to do surgery. I don’t do well with blood, shots, cuts, even the possibility of being in hit in the metaphorical nuts makes me sick to my stomach. And here I am saying I want to do a surgery many would see as optional.
And out of my surprised doctor’s face comes the standard questions about my sex life. Number of partners? HIV tested? Blah de blah de blah…
Well, the night before my consultation to see what the surgeon can do and what my state provided insurance will cover I’m not as nervous as I feel like I should be. My partner has given me melatonin to help me sleep, but I’m already exhausted from work and practicing my violin twice today. In 10 hours I will be groggy and walking into a appointment that could change me for ages.
I just hope I don’t have to jump through too many hoops before I can get it. Some insurances require hormones (in my case, Testosterone or “T”) for a certain amount of time. Others require a few months or a year of meeting with a mental health specialist. Sometimes they want a combination of both. Supposedly the person I would be talking with tomorrow will have more insight. We will wait and see.

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