Ripples after the Stone

So as I posted before, I went to the plastic surgeon about getting top surgery. It seems like such a weird thing to talk about now. The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions, and me figuring things out.
The consultation was good. The doctor was nice, assistants were great, and open about the processes. The weird part was when they asked to look at the goods and started spouting gibberish. It made me nervous not knowing what they were meaning  with the different phrases, acronyms, and numbers. I mean, I can assume things, but it still made me nervous.
During the consultation I felt confident. Spacey due to nerves and wishy washy because of a couple things I had assumed. Nothing bad.
Then came the ripples.
I have had bouts of severe body dysphoria, anxiety, and worry about how I am perceived. It got so bad that I decided to wear my binder at work, a high energy job where I have to be moving quite a bit (It’s hard to breathe sometimes if I put it on too tight or if I try to run) and I refused to take it off till almost 12 hours later. I’ve gone from a high of thinking about how nice it would be to hug others and be closer to them to actually thinking about missing my chest, the familiar weight and social assumptions that cause me discomfort. It’s so weird. I haven’t had to deal with my dysphoria this much in such a raw emotional state before.
So, I have practiced my violin more, tried to focus on my writing, and tried to focus on my life in the present. Not one month away, not the future. Once my mind is more settled, I can work on my surgery “homework”.
I have come to the conclusion that my definition of non-conforming is currently shifting. And will always shift. Because of my fears currently, I am gravitating towards more female things. Clothes shopping, looking at fashion, going through my old things to bring back old memories, etc. Heck, I’ve even painted my nails. First time in almost two years I have painted my nails. And I’ve flirted with the idea of wearing my male clothing and putting on eyeshadow, or trying to find the right lipstick to match my tie.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I can still be presenting as a more feminine gender non-conforming person and still be validated as a person. I can wear a pair of boxer briefs under a cute summer dress. I can not shave my legs and wear booty shorts. I can like video games but find joy in braiding hair. I’m not defined by the social norms of gender. I can break those barriers on a daily basis.
Do I need a surgery to do that? No. Like I said, it can be done daily and be different every time. I don’t need it to “pass” because I don’t have a list or social guide I have to follow. Would it be helpful for my own personal well being, specifically my emotional health? Most definitely. Heck, this whole surgery thing might not even happen because I have state insurance.
I can deal with the ripples, if it means that I am more comfortable with myself. And heck, life is a journey where we learn more about ourselves.  So I will take all the rocks life will throw at me, watch the ripples, learn more about myself, and watch as those rocks line the bottom of the pond of my life. a beautiful, multi-color mosaic.


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