It’s been a while since I’ve posted yet again. Mainly because I have been dealing with crazy things recently. Work schedule is weird, interviews, spur of the moment all my plans change, and repetitive early mornings. So, I have now found the time to sit down and work through a few things that I said I would do.
1) 30 days of pictures
With June being Pride month, I thought I’d try the 30 days of picture taking to be my first real attempt at taking my picture every day to better my image of myself, and see if doing so really works. To be fair, I took pictures maybe 70% of the time. One day I took a ton because Snapchat filters are amazing and funny. Over all, I feel like I have a slightly better sense of what I look like. I also made a point to take a picture on days were I was getting up early or had a crappy day mentally. And I could see it, but I was surprised to also think “Hey, my eyes look good in that shot.” or ” if I turn my head that way more it seems more androgynous than female.” It was great.
So, would I do this again? Sure.
How would I change it: full body pictures (if I had a full body mirror which I don’t have because my partner broke it), and do it every day. And maybe share them.
What I have learned: I don’t think as negatively about myself as I thought I did. It really has helped me realize that my anxiety messes with my personal perception more than I realized. And that I truly value myself more than based off of looks. Yay… I guess?
2) Pre-operation insurance stuffs
So I have been seeing a therapist every week now. They are trying to figure out how to write a letter to let insurance know I am in a stable place mentally and that I am a good candidate for the surgery. After meeting with her for about 4 times, she asked me directly a few questions regarding my mental stability and personal image. So maybe it will happen soon. After the letter is written it’s all up to insurance.
Which might be changing if I get a job I applied for. And I don’t know if it would cover it. I don’t even know if this state insurance covers it. But if it does and then I switch… I don’t know how I will feel about it. Because then all this work would have been for nothing. So does this mean I really want it than? Having my chest modified is a big deal. It would help with my mental perception of who I am as a person. I would be more comfortable in my own skin. I don’t know.
What I’m trying to focus on now is positive things. Like getting the letter written soon. And sending it to insurance.
Also, I have had two occurrences the past week that have both scared me shitless and made me super uncomfortable.
First one, thank you brain, was a dream. Like how I had mentioned in my previous post about names and their importance, I was going on vacation with my family and the topic of my prefered came up. I ended up literally yelling at them and storming out to leave and not finish the vacation with them because they wouldn’t respect me with my prefered name. And this came after (in the waking world) hearing my mom use my old name twice in a row like my prefered name didn’t exist on the phone, and didn’t correct herself after I said something. I didn’t think it would hurt as much as it did, and this is how my brain was processing internalized feelings. Last thing I was to do is separate myself from my family, but I don’t want to be feel like I’m worthless and like how my old self (who isn’t me) is being forced upon me. Gah family!!!!
Second one, was with friends I haven’t seen in years. So I forgot how this friend couple worked (dynamic wise) and how one of them was extremely sexual in his focus on conversation and in physical interactions. Instead of a hug, he had me sit on his lap. He made comments about my chest and other rude comments about women, mainly objectifying them. And I realized, then and there, that I am not comfortable with being treated like a woman most of the time. Maybe it’s the distance because of my body dysphoria. Maybe because I haven’t been around a person that directly objectifies women in a while. Maybe because I don’t identify as a cisgendered person anymore that I find that type of conversation and actions inappropriate. Maybe because I was younger, insecure, and easily swayed by others many years ago that that conversation topic and those actions were okay in my mind than but not now. I’m not sure. But my bubble is bigger, and I’m not the same person anymore. I would bring it up to the friend, but I probably won’t see them both for a while, probably another year or two. And if my surgery has happened by then I wonder what they would think then.